This morning i was watching the GMA cast don concerned expressions as they covered the sad sad turmoil of poor little Suri Holmes and her divorce-stricken parents. They covered a theoretical high-speed chase allegedly perpetrated by Cruz's driver in an effort to shield his child from predatory photographers. They mentioned how Holmes had been stalked by paparazzi that may or may not have caused car accidents. Then they had a guest psychologist, Janet Taylor, speak about how this broken family needed a little privacy. Dammit, Janet! Gimme an I! Gimme an R! Gimme an O-R-N-WHY are you sitting there on public TV talking about it?!
"Doctor Taylor, please give the entire nation your PBH on the effects of privacy invasion on families going through a divorce."
"Well, Robin, after greedily sucking supposition out of every picture my invasive, stalking photographer could glean as he popped out of bushes and side-swiped the family vehicles, it's my strong PBH that these people need a little privacy. I've hired a Roman decade of dedicated assault photo snipers to follow them around and see if they ever get any."
Ok, Taylor didn't really say that, but she may as well have.
Here's what i want to see when i watch the news. I want to know if a nor'easter is headed my way. I want to know if gas prices jumped another fifty cents a gallon. If someone on my football team got traded; tell me! I want to know about world-shaking events. Tell me if i'll need to dodge bullets if i go to the market today. Throw some scientific breakthroughs in there. Do all that and i'll even sit through a schlock story about a falling sloth that was saved by a quick-thinking walrus. I won't even send you a letter demanding to know why the walrus was under the sloth.
Here's what i don't think is news in the first place and should incite you to stop calling yourself the news if you keep reporting it. I don't care how many human dominos made the Guinness Book of World Records this week. Who Angelina Jolie may or may not be cheating with is none of my damn business. The reactions of family members of victims who were horribly killed ten minutes ago shouldn't be seen on film by anyone. Shocked reactions from the relatives of people who ran around slaughtering folks shouldn't get any air time, either. And for God's sake, do any of you pseu-news stations think you can go just one freaking week without mentioning Justin B.?
Frankly, it's getting a little difficult to tell the difference between the "morning news" shows and the "reality tv" shows.
Oh, and one more thing. Whoever writes the teasers really needs to settle down. I'm getting a little tired of hearing, "Up next: How common baking flour can kill you in your sleep!", only to see it followed by a piece about some napping Pillsbury factory worker who got hit in the head with a silo. One day they'll announce, "Up next: Wolves in your street!", i won't believe them anymore, and i'll step outside for a smoke only to be consumed by fangy furry things. Killing me, my friends, will only piss me off.
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