It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Ringworld

Do we need to start frisking parents before they watch their kids perform in the Olympics? Should we just place the Olympiads in a bullet-proof bubble and have everyone watch from a distance? We could pipe in pre-recorded cheers to urge them on depending on how many people tweeted in votes for each athlete. Granted, every athlete from China, Russia and the U.S. might incite deafening noise levels for the poor kids. There's a lot of voting potential in those countries. When they won, they could accept their awards while watching a group of their countrymen Skyped on the big screen.

We could also have some M.I.T. overachievers scan the event staff's brains for evil intent.

And what about the athletes? They show up with all this high-tech, custom made gear. It could be made of anything! We don't know that the Swiss haven't suddenly decided they're sick and tired of being neutral. Who wouldn't give weapons-grade plutonium to the Swiss? They aren't dangerous, right? Maybe we should snag those with physical potential from their cradles then shove them into a government-run athletic creche where all they learn is sports, competition and love-thy-neighbor philosophy. Every Olympiad would be a sweet-natured, athletically-honed idiot, but they'd be harmless. Probably.

While we're at it, let's dump archery, the biathalon, the javelin throw, and anything with a stick. Hockey is right out. Oh, yeah. No more photographers with Cannon cameras, either.

In my PBH, security at the Olympics shouldn't even be a consideration. Seriously, it's one of the rare venues where kids from every damn country show up to compete for their countries in a good-natured way. They're there to show off their skills, compete for personal and national pride, and make friends from places they may not have ever heard of before. The majority of them are kids. Not only has the security the kids are surrounded by gotten completely insane, but the fact that they need it in the first place is loonier than a Warner Brothers cartoon.

What's next? Armed guards at Little League games? Police patrols at Pop Warner? Riot gear around the ring around the rosies? The only thing an Olympic athlete should have to watch out for is a Heavy Metal Detector roaming the hotel hallway telling them to keep the music down so the 6am marathon team can get a little sleep.